My Nemesis

For the most part, the outdoor maintenance around the House of Crackers falls on the very capable shoulders of Mr. Crackers. He's a down in the dirt, get your hands dirty type of guy. He's the one who maintains the lawn, does most of the planting in the garden as well as initiating any large outdoor projects that need accomplished.

Since I am at home a lot more than Mr. Crackers, I do more of the smaller detail work in the yard like weeding, hedge trimming and occasionally trimming the grass along the picket fence that lines our backyard. Since Mr. Crackers does a lot of the mowing (especially in the Spring) during weeknight evenings, we just never really seem to get the trimming done right away. But after a couple of weeks the grass grows so long that I start fearing we may lose the dog or maybe even one of the children along the fence line, so I decide to try & get the trimming done while Mr. Crackers is at work.

And in almost all cases over the past 6 years, I have failed to get the yard trimmed completely on my own....why? Yard Trimmers are my Nemesis. They are my kryptonite. Something happens when a yard trimmer gets placed in my hands that causes the trimmer to stop working. Completely.

We are currently on our 3rd trimmer in 6 years. The first two were corded electric models that were really inexpensive & I would like to think would have broken down as quickly for anyone. The cords inside the trimmers would either stop feeding correctly, or the top of the cord dispenser would continually pop off or some other plastic part would just plain give out. Mr. Crackers would come to my aid once the weekend hit, but (thankfully) would have just as many issues as I did getting the thing to work for more than 5 minutes in a row. Needless to say, trimming has become one of my most hated chores (second only to ironing).

Finally last year after our second electric trimmer failed we decided to get serious and get one of those incredibly loud, gas powered models.



Since we got it about halfway through the summer last year, Mr. Crackers had fun playing with his new toy & usually did the trimming right after he mowed. Not only did it work well for him, but it trimmed the yard in about half the time as our old electric trimmers. By mid-summer the grass wasn't really growing really quickly anymore, so Mr. Crackers could trim about every 2 weeks & everything still looked good.

But, it's Spring again. And the grass is growing so quickly that Mr. Crackers is pulling out the lawn mower every 5 days or so. And yet, the grass along the fence hasn't been trimmed once yet. I would venture a guess that it was at least 6 inches longer than the grass in the rest of the lawn.

So, last night I asked Mr. Cracker to refresh my memory & teach me how to start the electric trimmer. It took him a few minutes (since it hadn't been used in a few months), but he finally got it started. He then taught me how to do it & I decided I'd get out this afternoon & get it done before we lost the dog or one of the kids in the tall grass.

Ha!

Darn Trimmer! I tried to start that thing until both of my shoulders were sore. But could I get it to start? Nope! I finally walked away in case I flooded the engine (can you flood the engine of a trimmer?). After about 20 minutes I came back & tried it again. And once again that flipping trimmer wouldn't start.

I decided to try some tough love and began cursing a blue streak (quietly so as not to disturb my napping pre-schooler or the other neighborhood children) every time I pulled on the cord and it wouldn't start. Even though I felt a little better for venting, the cursing didn't really help get it started either.

I was getting to be seriously disappointed by yet another lawn trimmer (now that's a phrase I never in a million years thought I would say). I was ready to throw the thing into the street when it finally sputtered & coughed to life.

Hooray! I set to work & began trimming along the fence. Boy does that thing vibrate. Even though it was getting a bit heavy I kept soldiering on determined to for the first time in 6 years get the entire lawn trimmed without the aid of Mr. Crackers. I was feeling a real sense of accomplishment as I trimmed along the final stretch of fencing. I mean, just wait until Mr. Crackers sees that I was finally able to do it. Wahoo!

Then, all of the sudden the trimmer seemed to slow down a bit, then it gave a cough and stopped completely. What the what?! Holy cow did I manage to break yet another trimmer?!

Nope. It was just out of gas. And of course it is one of those engines that need an oil & gas mixture. Something that seems entirely too risky for me to attempt to do with my past trimmer history. I decided it would be best to wait for Mr. Crackers and make sure I do it right. I really don't want another lawn trimmer death on my conscience. Darn it, I was so close. Oh well, at least I didn't break this one.

I guess I better go finish the ironing.

As if I needed more proof that I was getting old...

I've recently been preparing myself for the shoe dilemma that has been plaguing mankind for years. "What do you wear in the spring & fall when the weather is too cold for flip flops, but too warm for boots?" Well, OK maybe mankind is dealing with bigger problems & it's just a personal issue, but I can never figure out what to put on my feet with capri's or jeans in the spring. I mostly end up wearing a pair of sneakers, but I know there is a shoe out there that will fit the bill without making me look like I am headed to the gym for a work out.



In an attempt to do a little research on the subject I headed over to my favorite online shoe store Zappos. I figured if someone had a shoe that would fit the bill it would be them. While I was browsing, I came upon something I found truly disturbing.







It's called a tube flop & I am at a complete loss for what to say except....Why? I am honestly a bit dumbfounded.




Maybe it's the stripes that are too much? Perhaps they'd look better in a solid color...



Nope. I still don't like them. How about basic black?




Yikes! Really? Can someone explain this to me?



I scrolled down to the reviews to see what people were saying about this new item & found a quote that I guess sums it all up " Tube Flops combine the awesomeness of tube socks with the comfort of flip flops. "



Oh....I see. No... I guess I really don't.


Probably my first problem is that the last time I thought about the awesomeness of tube socks was back sometime around 1978. Since then, tube socks have really lost their shine a bit for me. Besides which, if it's so cold that I need to wear socks up to my knees, what's going to prevent my toes from freezing off? Nothing, that's what.


I guess this must truly be a trend for the young folk. Darn those kids with their crazy rock music and their Tube Flops! Back in my day we wore our tube socks with sneakers and we liked it that way. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to head downstairs and take a Geritol.


Clearly, this will not be not the answer to my current shoe dilemma. I guess it's back to the drawing board (aka as Zappos) for me.


What do you wear on your feet in the spring? Will you be in the market for a pair of Tubeflops this year? Inquiring minds want to know!

San Antonio (or as I like to call it the land of sunshine and free flu shots )

You may (or may not) be asking "Where have you been for the past two weeks Mrs. Crackers?" Well I'll tell ya, I've been in San Antonio, thank you very much. And so your next question might (or might not) be, "You mean you've been in San Antonio for the past 2 weeks?"

Umm, no..not really. I was in San Antonio for 4 days, I just kind of got lazy about doing another blog posting for the rest of that time. But, never fear! I am here to tell you all about my trip (and I promise that it will probably be just as interesting as it usually is when people pull out their vacation pictures and force you to look at them... umm. so sorry)

"Why San Antonio?" you might (but probably aren't) asking yourself. Well, Mr. Crackers had a conference that he was invited to attend in that fair city that just happened to coincide with the day I was cruelly evicted from my thirties and thrust headlong into a new decade (a.k.a. my fortieth birthday). Mr. Crackers had the brilliant idea that I accompany him on this trip & make it into a mini-vacation. My parents miraculously and generously offered to watch my two hooligans for a couple of days, so we jetted south.

Once I saw the convention center, I knew instantly that I had made the right decision to visit Texas. Not only was it beautiful, but it was also sitting under pretty blue skies without so much as a snowflake in sight. I was pretty sure we were going to have a great time (and let's face it, the obvious lack of snow also really added to the city's charm). And even though the city's temperatures were 15-20 degrees below normal, I wasn't complaining 'cause compared to Ohio, the colder temperatures in Texas still felt almost tropical. Plus, those cooler temperatures allowed me to break in my new $40.00 purchase from Marshall's. An "I can't believe it's not leather" pleather biker jacket...

I guess you can call it my mid-life crisis purchase. It's not something I would normally pick up, but I loved it. And after all, a $40.00 jacket seemed like a perfect welcome to your 40's present to myself.

Anyhoo...I spent my birthday wandering around the city's Riverwalk while Mr. Crackers attended hours and hours of (what I can only imagine) were somewhat mind numbing lectures...

Look flowers!




In February!

Yep, I definitely think I got the better end of that deal.

Don't feel too badly for Mr. Crackers though. Even though it was a "working vacation" for him, we still managed to see most of San Antonio's tourist sights together.

And I have to say that we also enjoyed the fact that while we were standing and getting our picture taken in a city with blooming flowers, that back home they were getting another foot of snow dumped on top of the foot of snow left over from the last storm. Not that I wished the snow to happen at all, I was just happy I got to avoid looking at the stuff for a few days. (And I would be remiss if I didn't take another moment to say a giant THANK YOU to Mom & Dad for watching the kids during a time when 2 days worth of activities/school were cancelled due to snow. Yikes!)

By the end of our trip, we managed to see almost everything that downtown San Antonio had to offer. I think we estimated that by the end of the day on Tuesday, we had walked about 10 miles that day. When Wednesday morning rolled around I was feeling all 40 of my years (plus maybe a few more). Which probably leads you to ask another question. "Are you afraid of public transportation Mrs. Crackers?"

Nope, we were just enjoying being outdoors (without having to put on our snow boots).

San Antonio was everything I expected: it was a place with beautiful scenery, friendly people and warmer temperatures. But, all good things come to an end and on Wednesday it was time for us to return to the snowy north. I was ready to come back though, I had really missed my two hooligans. So, we packed up our luggage, complete with all of the new souvenirs we purchased for the kids and for my brave parents who took those kids into their home during a snow filled long weeked and we headed to the airport.

On our arrival to the airport I got myself a souvenir too - my H1N1 vaccinne. That's right, not only do they have flowers blooming in February, but they give away free flu shots in the airport to anyone who wants one. Trust me, I'll remember more than just the Alamo.

White snow and pink eye

Like everyone else in the eastern half of the country, we've had some snow recently. While we've had nothing close to the 4 feet many parts of the country have seen, we've got about a foot of the white stuff on the ground.

Along with the storm came two snow days. Sadly, our first snow day was spent traveling between the doctor's office, CVS and (even more sadly for the kids) my hair salon. Poor C developed an ear infection the night before the storm, so we braved the weather and the snow covered roads and headed to the doctor so we could get him a prescription for amoxicillan. After a brief trip home for lunch, I bundled the kids back into the car so we could make the journey to my hair salon. I have been waiting weeks for this haircut and neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night would prevent me from getting my split ends trimmed off.


We got back home just in time for K to take her nap & for C to announce that "something was wrong" with his right eye. The thing that was wrong was that it was red and tearing and covered in green goop. Eeek! Pink Eye alert!

I quickly called the doctor and got yet another prescription for the poor child who now seemed to be riddled with infections. Needless to say, we spent the rest of our first snow day indoors (scrubbing our hands and spraying Lysol on every surface that C had even thought about touching earlier in the day).

By the time our second snow day rolled around, C was feeling a bit better & his eye didn't look nearly as gross infected as it did the day before. I spent the morning washing every piece of fabric that may or may not have come in contact with his face. Trust me, it was hard enough putting drops into the eyes of my mild mannered seven year old son. I planned to do everything I could to avoid having to put those same drops into the eyes of my medicine-hating 4 year old daughter.

By the late morning the laundry was done & C was no longer contagious. He had watched two Star Wars movies and was finally feeling up to a romp in the snow.

Although, Mr. Crackers & I had done most of the digging out the day before, my 2 kids decided to help me shovel the front walkway...

...for about 3 minutes until I was told that shoveling the sidewalk was "boring".

I finished the rest of the walkway and then was told that my shoveling services were needed in constructing some snow forts.

Since the snow was so deep, "construction" of a snow fort just required me to dig a small hole in the snow so the kids could sit in said hole. Voila! A fort!

Once the kids had their fill of sitting in holes, we went on a short hike to the pond in our neighborhood. And by hike I mean that C walked ahead of me while I tried to pull my 40 pound daughter over 3 foot drifts of snow on a sled that was also weighed down with all of the snowballs that C was collecting for "later".

I have no idea what C is doing in this shot. We milled around like this for about 10 minutes until K decided she was "tired and done". So we headed for home and the exciting conclusion of our time in the snow: a snowball fight!

Since tears & screaming ensued within seconds of the snowball fight between the two siblings, I decided it would be safer if all snowballs were directed at me.

Thankfully, almost all of K's snowballs either missed me completely or hit my feet.

C on the other hand has quite an arm (and a terrific capacity for aiming at moving targets). After getting hit by about 6 snowballs, I declared the snowball fight over & we all headed in for some hot chocolate and another round of eyedrops.

Forty

It's official... we are now 1 week away from the date when I will be turning 40. Hmm... I don't really feel forty (it seems less scary if I spell it out) so I'm not really filled with a lot of anxiety about it. Although I should admit that I quite enjoyed my thirties & I'm not really looking forward to checking the box 40-45 years old on any future questionnaires that come my way.

A couple of weeks ago Jen, who writes the blog Absolutely Bananas, did a tribute to her husband Jay who was turning 40. She posted 40 things that were worse than turning 40. I liked the idea, so I've decided to use her list as a jumping off point, but change a few items to better suit me (I mean honestly, I fall down the stairs all the time).

Here for your enjoyment are 40 things worse than turning 40 forty by Jen (& Karen):

1. Being eaten by wolves
2. Getting a leg caught in a meat grinder
3. Poking your eye out Developing an allergy to chocolate
4. Running over a baby bunny or duckling Running a daycare in my home
5. Finding a finger in my soup
6. Irritable Bowel Syndrome A week long migraine
7. Losing the winning lottery ticket
8. Mullets
9. Being chewed up by hamsters, rats or cats Living with a long haired cat (oh, the allergies!)
10. Bed bugs
11. Falling down the stairs Walking around all day with my skirt tucked into my underwear
12. Stepping on a rusty nail
13. Kevin Costner with webbed feet Working at Toys R Us
14. Lice
15. Drinking lumpy milk
16. Taking the red pill. Having to get braces again
17. Getting eaten by a shark
18. Teenage girls and boys
19. Filet-of-Fish sandwiches Developing an allergy to baked goods
20. The stuff Mike Rowe does
21. Having gas on an airplane Riding home on an airplane after a week at Disney World with an exhausted, screaming 2 1/2 year old on my lap (again...)
22.The Real Housewives of Orange County Watching Ann Coulter on TV
23. Comb-overs
24. Trying to figure out how to sync your iPhone to a new computer without losing all your music Listening to New Age music everyday
25. Taking your baby to get his shots Having another baby
26. A root canal
27. Anything by Paris Hilton
28. A runny nose when you don’t have a kleenex Another allergic reaction to penicillin
29. Catching my hair on fire
30. Windows XP If the only station on TV was Fox News
31. Paying taxes
32. Accidentally brushing your teeth with hemorrhoid cream
33. The 80’s… back in style
34.Having the pilot of your airplane pass out from bad fish and all the other people pass out too and you have to fly the airplane but you don’t know how
35. Aliens that come to Earth to exterminate humans
36. Throwing up in your mouth
37. Dropping a baby
38. Stepping on dog poop. With bare feet.
39. Lower back pain
40. Falling down and you CAN’T GET UP! Turning fifty

Is it just me, or did about 5 of those items deal with allergies?

Honestly the list of things worse than turning 40 would take years to complete. I realize that it's just another number. And for the most part it's one I'm happy with (or at least not too scared of). I have been very blessed with a great family and a good life. Happy Birthday indeed!

Not exactly a dead ringer part 2

With my 40th birthday just two weeks away, it is becoming more evident than ever that I am losing brain cells at an alarming rate. As my Mom correctly pointed out (and Mr. Crackers seconded) I was wrong in my last post when I said that I have never been told that I look like anyone famous.

A few years ago on vacation, my Uncle George & my Mom decided that in both appearance and personality that they thought I resembled Samantha Brown of Travel Channel (& Champion Door and Window television advertising) fame...

I will agree that our hair is very similar in color (apparently neither one of us was happy with the color we were born with). We both also have a rather large set of teeth - although truth be told I think I've got her beat. Pale skin? Yep, it looks like she is rather fair, but if I'm not mistaken it appears in most of her photos that she does have a bit of pigment to her skin. I'm not sure that she'd qualify as "fish belly white" like yours truly, but I think our skin color is close enough.

But even with this new information, I'm still not planning on changing my Facebook profile picture to Samantha Brown...

or Tilda Swinton . Nope, I'm just not participating in Facebook's "Doppelganger week".

I don't even have this picture on my profile anymore.

Instead, I've decided to go with something a little more classic...

Because you can never go wrong with a Olan Mills Wagon Wheel portrait circa 1983.

Not exactly a dead ringer.

Apparently it was Doppelganger, a.k.a celebrity look alike week, on Facebook. To participate, you were supposed to replace your profile picture with a celebrity whom you have been told that you resemble. I noticed that several of my friends had switched their profile pictures to famous actors and actresses at the beginning of the week which seemed pretty strange. Finally, I was clued in to what was going on.

When I looked at my friend list this week, it was brimming with stars from both TV and the movies. I saw Anthony Edwards, Matthew Broderick, Valerie Bertenelli (the early years), Julia Stiles, Patricia Heaton and Traci Gold just to name a few. I have to say that in one case the resemblance to the celebrity was so close, that it took me a second to realize that the photo was Anthony Edwards and not the boy who I attended grade school with for eight years. In most cases, even if the resemblance to the celebrity wasn't striking, there were certain facial features that were similar once you took a good look at the picture (and maybe squinted a bit).

I have never been told that I looked like a celebrity. At all. Ever. I was once mistaken for an Austrian exchange student, but I was to blame for that one. I decided to french braid my hair and wear an apron style jumper to a meet and greet for some Austrian exchange students that were visiting from our sister city. In my oddly chosen outfit, I looked more like an Austrian than many of the actual Austrian high school students who were in attendance. I think everyone was waiting for me to start twirling and burst into song, "The hills are alive, with the sound of music..."

Other than that, the only person I've ever been mistaken for was another girl who happened to attend the same high school that I did. We both had the same hairstyle, we were about the same height and had the same fair skin that Mr. Crackers lovingly refers to as "fish belly white". Since she was a lot more popular than I was, I was often mistaken for her from a distance, and spent a lot of my high school years hearing, "Oh, I thought you were Molly."

Even though I was a little doubtful of the outcome, I figured I'd see if there a was female celebrity out there whom I might resemble. I thought that the easiest way to start would be to plug in some of my defining physical characteristics into Google Images & see what I could come up with. I narrowed my search to the three characteristics that I thought were most distinct about my appearance

I started with what I think is my most obvious physical characteristic, my height...or lack there of. While I like to think of myself as petite, my sister has been know to refer to me as height challenged. So, to get started I typed the phrase "short female actresses" into Google Images and got pictures of these ladies:

Umm, NO!

She's certainly a cutie (and man she's young), but no...no resemblance at all.

I wish...

So, I moved onto to my next item. Big teeth. Yep, I have big, giant teeth. Especially my front teeth. I try not to smile too widely at young children when I first meet them so as not to scare them. I typed "actresses with big teeth" into Google next to see what I came up with and got images of these ladies:

I think we can all agree that this woman is my exact opposite... the tan skin, the beautiful brown eyes (& let's agree not to discuss the difference in chest size OK?)

Just no.

Well, at least her hair is blondish. But other than that, it's a no.

Finally I decided to try my final characteristic - my fair skin (no Mr. Crackers I did not type "fish belly white skin" into Google Images). When I typed "actresses with pale skin" into Google Images this beautiful picture came up:

She is stunning. I bet Keith Urban never refers to her skin as fish belly white!

I also got an image of Tilda Swinton:

not a very flattering picture...can we do better?

Ahh...much better picture (not to mention the hair color is a little more similar to my own color treated hair). But is it a match?

Well, I think match is really too strong a word. I don't think anyone is ever going to stop me on the street and confuse me for Tilda Swinton (especially since she's probably about 6 inches taller than me while still managing to weigh about 15 pounds less), but honestly it's probably the closest match I'll be able to come with. Pale skin? Check! Light colored eyes? Check! Big teeth? Who knows...let's just wrap this up shall we?

Am I going to change my profile picture in Facebook? Nah, it'll just confuse people who will say "Geez I wonder who told her she looks like Tilda Swinton. I don't see the resemblance at all!"